We often go about our days in default mode. For example, by “default mode” we get up in the morning, brush our teeth, drive, eat- we do these things out of habit so that often we often don’t pay attention to our behaviors and actions.
Try this: Switch hands the next time you brush your teeth. It’s not easy, is it? It’s because you’re mindful of doing a task in a new way. Your muscles and your mind aren’t used to using the other hand to do a task you’re so used to doing by default.
We’ve worked with couples in crisis who ask us:
- What can they do to stop the fighting?
- What can they do to feel more connected to each other?
- What can they do to get the passion back?
- Why does their partner do this or that?
- How can they change their partner?
- What if they can’t save their relationship?
They’re asking about the problem. They’re looking outside of themselves for an answer when the shift first starts within yourself.
Questions are wonderful, however if they aren’t guided to helping you find solutions, what do you do? You keep asking questions that keep you in a loop of being problem-focused, and in a powerless state. Great if you want to continue to be in a victim state, but not if you want to move forward toward changing your relationship. Which leads me to this…
I (Nicole) listen to podcasts during my workouts as a way to motivate myself and listen to others’ views on life. Many of the guests on the shows are successful people who talk about, for example, how they came from humble or traumatic beginnings, how they motivate themselves, how they balance their lives, how they shifted their mindset…
This is great to play in the background while you’re working out! Your brain is pumping out all these endorphins from the workout and the motivational material is adding to the feeling of awesomeness (DO try this at home!).
What I’ve noticed during these shows is that the guests all have a vision they’re driven by. They’re successful in part because they have not given up on their vision. Powerful, right? Their vision is pulling them forward toward positive growth. Now, take that and apply that to your relationship!
Here’s the one critical question that can help your relationship:
What is your vision of your relationship?
- Is it compelling?
- Is it of long-lasting love?
- Does it bring up feelings of unconditional love and appreciation?
- How do you see yourselves 1 year, 5 years, and 20 years from now?
- How does your vision guide your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings today?
Now, question is, how will you take this new information and allow it to change the way you view your significant relationships? You can apply this question to other relationships as well, not just with your significant other. What’s your vision of being a parent, sister/brother, aunt/uncle, daughter/son, friend, co-worker, boss? How do you want to be remembered in life?
When I was 7 years old, my mother passed away suddenly. She was 6 months pregnant and 32 years old. Her legacy that she passed on to me was to be passionate, cultivate beauty in your surroundings and appreciate beauty, be kind to others, we’re all human despite what we look like or believe, and to love your children and still have a life outside of them. This was her vision even though she likely never thought she was creating it at the time. How wonderfully loving and beautiful! She created that unconsciously even though her life was cut too short.
What are you creating unconsciously and what do you want to create with intention and consciousness now that you’re aware of what can be?
I will leave you with that thought to self-reflect on what your vision is and how it impacts, not just your life, but those around you.